Luxury of Time

 I’ve been blessed with a timely short get-away on a cruise over the weekend. Although it was a cruise-to-nowhere (ie the cruise doesn’t dock anywhere but just make its way to high seas and back), it was amazing on its own and doing nothing and not in need to plan anything was really a luxury for me. I guess I ought to make time for myself like this more often πŸ™‚

It’s yet another full work-week ahead and although every week since my new assignment in Apr hasn’t been that much fun and I have been dreading to go to work everyday, I’ve made a conscious decision to approach it one day at a time and minimise comparisons for each day with another. That way I hope I can come to terms with things I can’t control, and focus on things I can. Then I will reward myself with another 30 mins this week to watch clouds go by πŸ™‚ 
Till the next update!

Happy New Year, Jo.

Happy New Year.

I’m probably one of the latest blogger out here to write a happy new year post, to be 10 days late. Well, better late than never right?

10 days of 2015 has passed.. how’s your year like for you so far? I wish all of you great health, great luck, and great success in everything you do πŸ™‚

So I started a new job in the last few years of 2014, and that kinda led to a great start to 2015, with lots of challenges to look forward to at work, but the greatest challenge that awaits me right now, is to find that balance back again. When I stopped my full-time work in the corporate jungle 2 years ago, I led a very different lifestyle. It was one that had no schedules, no rules.. almost like a 90% spontaneity and 0% planned. I was happy but being someone who grew up withΒ timetables since the age of 6 years old (don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t abused or something, i just had this colourful timetable that I made for myself that said what time i get to watch tv, what time I get to go out and play.. things like that), it wasn’t easy for me to get used to that much freedom. Freedom was great, but there were many moments, many times, I felt like I wasn’t doing enough. It’s like my time wasn’t well-spent enough. And a part of me craved the routine and schedules of working life.

And now that the routine is back to my life, I crave for the times where I can just sleep in, and wake up thinking just what i was going to do today.

That’s very human right? To always feel the grass is greener on the other side.. but there is one place in the whole wide field of grassland that would not let us feel this way. That’s staying perfectly balanced on the fence.

And that, is my challenge now πŸ™‚

I think I’m lucky to have had the luxury to experience both sides of the fence, to know what works for me and what wouldn’t, what I’d like more in my life and what less. This is indeed a very precious gift that the last two years has given me, and I intend to really make the best use of it. Hopefully I find that right kind of balance soon, and the key to lasting peace within πŸ™‚

Once again, a very happy new year to all reading this! sorry it’s come a little late.. I will try to write as much as I can while I embark on my journey of finding balance in this year. There might be times I’m totally quiet and times i’m totally random – that’s just cos I am still figuring things out – but I’ll make these posts as entertaining as possible :p

Onward to 2015!

2014 has swiftly come to a close. I usually get all sentimental and nostalgic about ending a year and onwards to the next, feeling moments of regrets and remorse over things I ought to have done but did not do, but this year, surprisingly, I’m actually happy to end the year and really looking forward to the next one! It’s not because I had a bad year, so bad I want it to end asap, but rather, i think the year has ended on a very good note.

Regrets, well, I have a few, I mean, who doesn’t? We all will have regrets from time to time, but this year, I learnt a more important – to let go. I have found peace within myself, and renewed confidence, as I learn to let go. I learnt to live with what I have, and what I don’t have or never will have. I learnt to let go of internal struggles and let the nurturing voice calm the critical one inside me. I learnt how important it is to just come to acceptance with things around me, and to focus on what can be done next instead of lamenting what I could have done.. I’m still working on these and can’t say I’ve perfected them but it has been a great journey πŸ™‚

I didn’t make big resolutions for 2014, I just told myself to make it the best year yet. I went with that and although I can’t say it really is the best year yet, it had been somewhat peaceful.. and compared to 2013, I think peaceful is good. Peaceful is probably the best I could do for myself given.. so I’m happy!

Other than feeling thankful over these things, 2014 is also coming to a close with big bangs, and I’ve just had exciting things happening one after another in these last 2 weeks of the year. First.. I got that job! Started yesterday and it’s all good and promising at the moment. I am liking what I am learning and seeing, and pretty confident it’s gonna be a great experience πŸ™‚

I went for a concert which I haven’t been to any in a long time! The concert was amazing, and it was nice that the concert had a lot of audience interaction, and it felt like a two-way connection and that’s really wonderful!

I learnt about coffee along with taking photos for the organizer. She’s been a great inspiration to me for this year, so I’m really happy to be able to be there at this first workshop she’s conducting..

There’s also been a lot of time well-spent with family and friends! Finally pulled through a short trip with a long-time friend, and for 21 years we’ve been wanting to go for a trip together but kept failing.. so I’m just glad we finally did it! Though it was just for 2 days, I felt we did a lot.. well, manicure+pedicure, shopping, massage, great food 5 times a day… not too bad right? :p

So Yes! Bring it on 2015! I’m all ready to rock and roll in the new year!
Here’s wishing everyone a wonderful new year ahead! All the best, and let’s all keep writing! πŸ™‚

The Feeling of Feeling Stupid

I’m conscious I haven’t caught up yet on Photo101, and I must have been like 5 days behind by now! However, this is not a Photo101 post yet, as there’s just this ball of tangled knots in me right now that I just have to get them off my chest.

I feel stupid today. And the most stupid thing about feeling stupid, is that I don’t even know why I feel stupid. Ok maybe I do know why I am feeling stupid, but I just can’t seem to pinpoint right at it. Somehow what I am feeling stupid about shouldn’t even be so significant to make me feel this stupid. Am I making sense? Of course not.

– The trigger point –

Today I attended an interview for a job that, well, had some of the perks I was looking for. I am currently working on a part-time basis and this allows me near maximum flexibility while getting some form of regular income. It’s not a lot, but at least I know my bills for this month would be covered. However, the working location wasn’t ideal, and the travelling made me lethargic after work, and so I couldn’t make much out of the flexibility I was getting. This new job I was interviewing for, was also a part-time job and the location was nearer to town so it seemed perfect – except the job scope was not something I would be happy doing if I was going to do it for a long time. So to some extent, this was a job I wanted, but it also is a job I didn’t want. So this conflict was carried right into the interview, and when the interviewer asked me what I want for myself, what do I see myself doing, I actually blurted out with so much confidence I didn’t even know I had, a job scope that this job doesn’t offer at all. In other words, I convinced the interviewer, that this job wasn’t for me. It would have been a mistake if they actually hired me. Who would hire someone to do a job that they already know that someone is bound to be bored out and probably quit in a short period of time? And what’s worse, the interviewer might have taken my response to mean I want nothing but a springboard. Again, who would hire someone who is just looking for a board to spring?

In short, I screwed up the interview bad time. Not only did I not get the job, I think I positioned myself really badly. My only saving grace, is that the interviewer told me of another vacancy which might be more suited to what I was looking for. However, this actually kinda made me feel even more stupid because now I can’t differentiate if I actually screwed up or did I not ….?

– The Development of that Feeling Stupid Feeling –

Just why did I say all that?? Actually, I know I meant every word I said when I said all that.. They were words from the bottom of my heart, but maybe because I had been telling myself I wanted to do something else that they got buried. I am angry. I am angry that I can’t even decide on important things like this on my own. Why can’t I just have the courage to decide what I really want to do? Why am I basing important decisions that concerns my own life and not anyone’s else on what others might think..? I am afraid to return to the corporate world because of judgement. I am afraid people will see me as a failure, returning to corporate world because I failed at what I wanted to do by leaving. And then I am angry again for having self-doubts that triggered all these fears.

– The Conclusion –

Well I was told they would not proceed with me for the job on hand, but would contact me this week on the other job they had in mind for me. Even then, I can’t shirk off the feeling of feeling stupid and the only logical conclusion I can draw on my own, is because I couldn’t come to terms with the fact that I could have just been more true to myself and simply go with the flow. Even the having the feeling of feeling stupid is really stupid on its own. And even after ranting more than 600 words about it, I am still feeling the same way.

Thoughts anyone? Wise words would be helpful at this stage..

Β 

Photo101 Day 11: Pop of Colours

I know why I was craving for a slice of Rainbow Cake so badly since morning, when I saw the theme for the day haha. Following what my heart told me, I headed into a cafe that supposedly had one of the best Rainbow Cakes in Singapore (and this was all by chance cos i was just running errands around the corner), I shall share the picture of the cake for today’s theme. Convenient as it is, I choose to see it as this was meant to be πŸ™‚

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Rainbows often paints the word “Hope”, and at important crossroads in life, such symbols are just what we need. I had lunch with a friend who is, just like me, seem to be stuck at a crossroad of our lifetime. While I (we) know what we have to do, what we should do and what we could do, it just seems so difficult to snap out of it. The soul seems drained of the energy taking the bold step towards one path, and the heart’s fire is reduced to a dwindling flame.. perhaps what we need is a someone, a symbol, a statement to just pull us out of it. That rainbow appearing when the dark clouds disappear.

Photo101 Day 1: Home

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Home is where the heart is..

Today is the first day of the Nov 2014 Photography 101, and I’ve been really looking forward to it! And here’s my submission for today’s theme: Home.

I live on a small island country of Singapore, and being as small as we are, most of our housing are high-rise in nature, which we call ‘flats’. And as I was sitting in the bus cruising through rows of flats which many call homes, I saw a bus ticket on the seat in front of me. I picked it up, and very naturally I started folding it into a heart. That’s what we used to do a lot back in school days, and each time we fold the ticket, our heart could be feeling something different..

Home is a resting place, it is a sanctuary. It is where we lay our tired body relaxed and let our guards down.. Home is where we won’t be judged, where we could all take off our masks we might have on for the entire day.. Home is where we surrender to love, and embrace.

And home can be anywhere, as long as it is where your heart is.

A-little-piece-of-ME (post insomnia ramblings..)

Ok it might have been the amazing Cold Brew coffee I had yesterday afternoon which left me pretty much awake deeeeeep into the night, and I was so so so glad that I’m working part-time, which means I am off work at 1pm. Happily packed my bags and stuff and thought about what I wanted to do today. And although I was pretty sleepy and tired, I told my partner I would go to the library to pick out some books for his research, and actually i was pretty happy with my decision! To my dismay, I got a response I was totally not expecting – he told me “wait.. the books was something i needed to do, it’s my job, not yours. Aren’t you going to spend time on the business you’re trying to start?” I stopped short in my footsteps and thought.. wait a min.. why am i not thanked for my choice to help him and yet i got treated with harsh words?

Then minutes later, i managed to hold myself back from what might have become a ball of fury which inevitably might lead to angry, mindless lashings, and told myself that he wasn’t being harsh and that he meant well. Indeed, it was a simple choice of which part of the sentence to focus on, and think what could this person trying to be telling you when he said something like that? Perhaps it was out of self-consolation, but i kinda figured that he was trying to remind me that i was losing focus on myself again. slowly and little by little, i seemed to have swung myself over the fence again and tried too hard to do things FOR others at a compromise of ME. It was true that I had given logical reasons behind the delay of my plans, too logical that they became just well-thought excuses – a perfect entrance for my old friend named procrastination.

With that, i thank my wonderful partner for the hint and reminder. All the same even if Β he actually didn’t mean it that way and was in fact telling me to mind my own business, it’s after all a choice… right? πŸ˜‰ So I took his advice, and gave myself some me-time by having lunch at a nice quiet restaurant all by myself, watching korean drama on my ipad, while knowing as I eat, that I am going to be writing this blog after i finish, and after blogging, …. i’m heading out to the library.

:p

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