I’m conscious I haven’t caught up yet on Photo101, and I must have been like 5 days behind by now! However, this is not a Photo101 post yet, as there’s just this ball of tangled knots in me right now that I just have to get them off my chest.
I feel stupid today. And the most stupid thing about feeling stupid, is that I don’t even know why I feel stupid. Ok maybe I do know why I am feeling stupid, but I just can’t seem to pinpoint right at it. Somehow what I am feeling stupid about shouldn’t even be so significant to make me feel this stupid. Am I making sense? Of course not.
– The trigger point –
Today I attended an interview for a job that, well, had some of the perks I was looking for. I am currently working on a part-time basis and this allows me near maximum flexibility while getting some form of regular income. It’s not a lot, but at least I know my bills for this month would be covered. However, the working location wasn’t ideal, and the travelling made me lethargic after work, and so I couldn’t make much out of the flexibility I was getting. This new job I was interviewing for, was also a part-time job and the location was nearer to town so it seemed perfect – except the job scope was not something I would be happy doing if I was going to do it for a long time. So to some extent, this was a job I wanted, but it also is a job I didn’t want. So this conflict was carried right into the interview, and when the interviewer asked me what I want for myself, what do I see myself doing, I actually blurted out with so much confidence I didn’t even know I had, a job scope that this job doesn’t offer at all. In other words, I convinced the interviewer, that this job wasn’t for me. It would have been a mistake if they actually hired me. Who would hire someone to do a job that they already know that someone is bound to be bored out and probably quit in a short period of time? And what’s worse, the interviewer might have taken my response to mean I want nothing but a springboard. Again, who would hire someone who is just looking for a board to spring?
In short, I screwed up the interview bad time. Not only did I not get the job, I think I positioned myself really badly. My only saving grace, is that the interviewer told me of another vacancy which might be more suited to what I was looking for. However, this actually kinda made me feel even more stupid because now I can’t differentiate if I actually screwed up or did I not ….?
– The Development of that Feeling Stupid Feeling –
Just why did I say all that?? Actually, I know I meant every word I said when I said all that.. They were words from the bottom of my heart, but maybe because I had been telling myself I wanted to do something else that they got buried. I am angry. I am angry that I can’t even decide on important things like this on my own. Why can’t I just have the courage to decide what I really want to do? Why am I basing important decisions that concerns my own life and not anyone’s else on what others might think..? I am afraid to return to the corporate world because of judgement. I am afraid people will see me as a failure, returning to corporate world because I failed at what I wanted to do by leaving. And then I am angry again for having self-doubts that triggered all these fears.
– The Conclusion –
Well I was told they would not proceed with me for the job on hand, but would contact me this week on the other job they had in mind for me. Even then, I can’t shirk off the feeling of feeling stupid and the only logical conclusion I can draw on my own, is because I couldn’t come to terms with the fact that I could have just been more true to myself and simply go with the flow. Even the having the feeling of feeling stupid is really stupid on its own. And even after ranting more than 600 words about it, I am still feeling the same way.
Thoughts anyone? Wise words would be helpful at this stage..